Tabs

A Love Letter to My Cat (yes, you read that correctly)

Dear Tabs,

Hello, my sweet kitty friend. I know that even though we see each other every day (as we have for pretty much the past 10 years), things haven’t been the same lately, now that you’re a “big brother” to baby Connor Claire.

It probably seems like she’s always in my arms, or on my lap, or somehow otherwise up in the mix, and that when you try to snuggle with me (like the time she was breastfeeding and you tried to sneak onto my lap to make biscuits), it seems grossly unfair when I say, “No, Tabs, not now.”

I see you slinking away, sadly. I hear your tiny kitty sighs and meows.

Honestly, I can’t blame you. Things have changed a lot over the past two months, both for you and for me, more than they have in the previous nine years we’ve spent together. It’s been quite a shock to both of our systems.

But I wanted you to know that even though our familiar daily (and nightly) patterns have changed, you’re still my special tabby baby boy, and now I cherish the quiet moments we have together even more, when it’s just you and me again, like last night, when I woke up at 3 and saw you curled up next to me, sleeping soundly.

Or, right now as I’m typing this with you napping in the corner next to my chair, and with me at the keyboard tap-tap-tapping away. How many hours have we spent just like this, my sweet friend? Hundreds? Thousands? I know that soon you’ll wake up, hop up on my desk, and rub your cheeks against my face before draping your body across my left forearm as I continue to type. You’ll start to purr and stare out the window and occasionally blink contendedly.

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Weekend salutations to all my frenemies, friends, fans and health fiends. Oh! — and yeah, happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. I hope you’ve all been having a wonderful Sunday. Mine has been great so far. I’ve been hard at work all day long. To that, most people would probably say, “Well, shoot, Tabs, that sucks.” But not me. I’m a mover and a shaker, even on holidays, and I’m very excited about my latest business venture, a juice bar dedicated to health conscious cats.

Oh, sure, Marin County’s got plenty of juice bars. I’ve walked by several that charge a staggering $15 per juice, but we’re gonna undercut all of them by serving premium organic, locally sourced ingredients (i.e. grown on my back deck) and affordable juices that are the freshest imaginable.

I should know; I oversee all operations from top to bottom. Since the business is just getting started, my employees worked today as well.

To convey my authority, I wore my business casual outfit — you know, to show em who’s boss, while at the same time projecting an air of approachability. I’m a very paws-on employer with all of my business ventures. I’m not the type of cat who just sits behind a desk.

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My dearest fans and felines,

They say April showers bring May flowers, and ain’t that the truth. I’ve been enjoying the blooms in my neighborhood, along with the tall grasses and the leaves on the trees.

I hope that you were able to spend some time outside this weekend. I spent a good amount of time enjoying the great outdoors, trying to perfect my kitty skulking abilities; however, due to my assistant’s allergies and her constant sneezing, I haven’t been able to sneak up on anything.

It’s so hard to find good help these days.

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Dear Diary,

You’ll never guess what happened! I was going through one of my boxes of kitty modeling mementos when I found a treasure trove of modeling pictures from some of the old editorial and print campaigns I worked on. I totally forgot about these!

I’m going through and picking out my favorites to add to my portfolio.

I call this one “Interested Stair…” Get it? Because I’m standing by some stairs? Haha.

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Dear Diary,

A cat’s gotta do what a cat’s gotta do. As you know, I’m a lifeling Golden State Warriors fan, and when your team needs you, even if you’re a senior tabby and you’re only at the game because you’re supposed to be performing live with Beyoncé at the halftime show — if your team needs you, you bring it! *snaps*

It’s a good thing I take my weekly agility training sessions seriously. It’s the reason Coach Kerr asked me to fill in for Steph Curry last night, because he knew I’d be able to make the game-winning shot if it came down to that.

It’s like I always say: “Preparation is everything.”

I’m just glad we won.

Today I pretty much just rested. The game, coupled with my performance with Beyoncé, wore me out.

After napping, I did spend a couple hours working on my personal kitty modeling projects…

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Dear Diary,

It has come to my attention that my assistant photobombed one of my selfies and then shared it on Instagram.

While I do look quite dashing in the picture, this is a gross violation of her employment contract, and I might have to write her up… We’ll see how she does with my dinner tonight. If it meets with my satisfaction, I may just let her off with a verbal warning.

Oh! This weekend I continued updating my portfolio. I found some old kitty modeling pics on a thumb drive. What do you think of this glamour shot of me gazing up at a bejeweled crown?

Don’t I look majestic and regal?

Or how about this more casual picture of me and my assistant? She appears to be understandably enthusiastic about appearing in a photo with me.

I also came across a series of instructional kitty modeling memes I did with Marmalade, my professional nemesis.

I remember that shoot… Marmalade was so annoying! I really wanted to swat his face, but that wouldn’t have been professional.

And then some of these are pics I took myself using my tripod and a timer.

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Dear Diary,

I thought this would be a good weekend to update my portfolio. I’ve been wanting to freshen it up with some new glamour shots, you know, just to show that I’ve still got it and can still rock a cutting-edge kitty modeling campaign.

I’m very proud of my new dreamy shots, which I did as part of a personal photography project to demonstrate my range.

A lot of companies are going that more abstract route these days. A lot of it is what they call CGI, which stands for computer-generated imagery.

Yeah, it’s just tech talk. Whatever, I’m down with that.

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My darlings,

A very happy Easter to you. May your tum be filled with gravy, your basket be filled with treats and your heart be filled with love.

Today is a special day for reflection, renewal and hope, and my hope for you is that you have a joyous and prosperous spring.

The start of spring is a purr-fect time to reflect on the year so far and to look ahead. What has gone well for me? What could have gone better? Have I been as professionally dominating in my kitty modeling exploits as I need to be to remain on top of the kitty modeling cat tower, or is there room for improvement?

Here are five things you can do now to start your spring on the right paw.

1. Treat yourself to a spa day

I am a firm believer in treating yourself to a day of pampering at least once purr quarter.

2. Volunteer for a good cause

It’s important to give back, and this year I’ll be volunteering my time and graciously giving my impecable fashion and beauty advice to shoppers as a personal stylist at Nordstrom. Call now for reservations.

3. Get something for someone special in your life

After a rocky start, the new employee and I are getting along swimmingly. She’s a sweetheart, although her petting technique still leaves a lot to be desired.

As a token of my appreciation, I got her this yellow Easter dress.

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